That’s right. I had an epiphany. You might have noticed that I haven’t been here for a while. What with starting my new job, moving to a new house and coming out of a nearly three-year relationship, sitting down and writing a personal blog post just didn’t quite feel right. I have just wanted to be all go.
I felt like my life should be 100% all the time – I didn’t want grey.
At first, I thought this was really positive. I was going out every weekend, meeting new people and experiencing things I had never experienced before – not all positive in hindsight.
Reflection seemed like a bit of a waste of time.
It wasn’t until everything started to calm down and become the norm that I really started to evaluate things and reflect on the personal growth and development that has been taking place for me over the past few months.
When I left University and started my ‘new life’, I thought I knew exactly what I needed in order to become ‘happy’. I had painted an idea in my mind about what being happy meant to me. It hasn’t been until I have started to reflect that I realised that my fabricated idea of happiness was quantitative.
Bloggers talk about followers and readers a lot, but when I finished University, I genuinely believed that these numbers would bring with them my happiness. Of course, the nature of my job means that numbers are an essential part of my day to day life, but I was struggling to separate that with my own personal happiness and success. Not only was I focused on my Instagram follower count, but I was also focused on the numbers I saw on the scales, the number of Tinder matches I was getting, the number of plans I had made that week… I had reduced my entire happiness to a number. To the outside world things were looking great, but in reality, I could feel myself slowly slipping back into older, unhealthy thinking habits.
I didn’t want to write on here anymore because I didn’t want to see how many readers I had got that day and feel disappointed. I had forgotten something important – I never used to write for other people. I didn’t train for other people. I didn’t work day and night for a history degree for other people. I did it all for me and because those things made me happy, regardless of the ‘numbers’ that might have been attached to them. The things that made me happiest had nothing to do with numbers.
I realised that my idea of what I needed to be happy was way off and, truth be told, I was already pretty happy without forcing anything.
It took being away from the things that do make me happy to have an epiphany about what is important to me. I stopped consistently training, I stopped reading, I stopped learning for learning’s sake. Everything I was doing was for the purpose of validation because I genuinely believed that happiness and validation were the same thing.
Organic personal growth and change are great, but I have found that trying to make a difference in my life artificially was only moving me further and further away from the person I know I am. I was trying to squeeze myself into a mould that I just don’t fit.
I am grateful for this period in my life. It has more certainly been necessary because it has taught me that I didn’t need a huge move or huge nights out. I didn’t need to post every waking moment on Instagram or worry about external validation. Happiness was, in fact, a good book. It was coffee with friends. It was writing blog posts that I loved. It was learning.
I found my happy.
So, I guess this is an ‘I’m back post’. I am back, not only to blogging but to me.